You've never done anything to hurt me ever.

All you've been is kind.

You've never judged me.

You've trusted me again and again and again even if maybe I was wrong.

I've let you down before, I know it, and I'm sorry; I really, really am sorry.

You've never let me down.

Ever.

You deserve the world.

You are honestly one of the most beautiful people I've ever met in my entire life.

Shit sucks sometimes. You have to deal with it. Everybody does.
_{But I wish you didn't have to.}

You are talented and vulnerable and magnificent and true and if anything ever happened to you I have no idea how I would cope with it.

If you ever need me, ever, I'll be there for you. That's a promise.

I don't write bullshit like this often, especially not in the last couple of years, especially not for the public eye. But I mean it. And I want everyone to know how much you mean to me, how much I care about you. Cause we don't just get to define ourselves. We're defined by the people we surround ourselves with.

And I can think of no one else I'd rather be defined by.

Thank you, Jessika.

and rattle your walls,
for the times they are a-changin'.







And so they are, everyone.
And so they are.


_{I'vejustseenafaceIcan'tforgetthetimeorplacewherewejustmet
she'sjustthegirlformeandIwantalltheworldtose ewe'vemet.}

Hannah came to see me this weekend.

We went into Winston-Salem when she got here on Friday and saw Bright Eyes with Kat and Katie. Bright Eyes was AMAZING. It was this tiny little venue with all kinds of beautiful people there and Conor Oberst was 40 feet away from me turning down propositions from girls in the audience with a terrible sad gentility. We waited forever for him to come out but Christ when the man did we went fucking nuts. The whole fucking crowd went WILD.

Yeah they went wild.

They played a mad show, they did. Mad and beautiful and when he started strumming old soul song my chest caught and when he started singing "gray light new day sweeps through the window" I about crushed Katie's hand and by the time he sang "flowers on a hillside like a wall of new TV's" I was sobbing.

I recorded Four Winds. I'll put it up on YouTube but the sound quality is pretty shit and I'm yelling the lyrics in some parts but who the fuck cares.

I felt like such an emo kid, kids. I tried to sing through Poison Oak but I couldn't cause it made me choke. So he plays all these amazing songs and then leaves, and I'm disappointed because he didn't play Lua which is my favorite song. Of any song ever. So we clap and scream our voices hoarse and we have to do it for literally 15 minutes but he comes back out with a guy from one of the warm-up bands who's a mad accordion player and they along with the horn player do Lua.

I've never been so fucking happy.

He was terribly Conor the whole time. Only smiled once. The last song was a new piece, very political, with kind of a Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love and To Be Loved) kind of feel to it, and the warm-up bands are playing and there are like 18 people on stage total and Conor is RIPPING up this red electric guitar and jumping up and down like a fucking rock star, screaming into the microphone and grinning like every demon in hell was leering through those dark eyes.

Yesterday was long, and kind of mundane, but mundane with Hannah McClesky is better than awesome without her. It was a beautiful day. And then we met up with Chris (a la my latest deviation) and Ryan and watched Blow and generally had a wonderful evening and took the most incredible Polaroid ever.

She bought me a Polaroid. She bought it for me for Christmas last year and my birthday this year and Christmas this year and I got it yesterday and oh my god I love it. She bought me a Polaroid because she is perfect and she hits me when I say it but it is true.

So apparently I'm a dancer now?

And a composer?

...


A song I composed on garageband is being used in the show I'm in at catawba, and I'm part of the hip-hop choreographed dance team?

WTF?

All my creative energy has gone into theatre since I got here and when I try to write, like today in class, 30 minutes of work produces this:

*
I woke in a chaotic void
of bravado and flirtation.
I was not alone, so naturally we
leapt, flattering fangs slavering,
for each other's throats, to wrangle

a pecking order.

--In my usual fashion, I
lifted my voice to song, but
found my notation strangled in the
din of our humanity.
*

Yeah what the fuck. So obviously something's wrong. maybe I'm just out of practice? It feels like I'm out of inspiration, actually. Kind of depressing.

I'm still here, guys. Deletign most of the devs that reach my watchbox, but I'm still here. College is...











college is indescribable.

Love,

~Misplaced-Karma

P.S. Also it has become a personal goal to learn to play the banjo.

Maybe it's summer.
Maybe it's high school's end.
Maybe it's ennui.
Maybe it's simply a colossal case of laziness.

But I am not writing. I will not say I can not. I wrote for my grandfathers funeral. I wrote quickly and well. But I do not.

The inspiration and the poetry is still in my head, it chases its tail around and around and around my prefrontal cortex, lines, sometimes entire stanzas dying because my cerebellum denies them outlet.

I view my world with the same lucidity and wonder that I always have, but the compulsion to express that through the written word has gone from me, and even the composition of spoken word for cheap entertainment holds little incentive for me. Thus, the detailed journals wane, the poems disappear.

If any of you genuinely miss my writing (unlikely, fortunately) I'm sorry. If any of you were actively hoping to see something from me in your devwatch box (luckily for you, even more unlikely), I'm sorry.

It just don't flow like it used to. Maybe the thesis has something to do with it. I don't know.

Bukowski would tell me to give it up, I think.

Fuck 'im. He's brilliant, but fuck 'im.

I've declared Creative Writing as my Minor at Catawba. I'll write or I'll fail.

It's just that simple.

Until then, there's always *jonzoiplu, `GeneratingHype, ~kLiT-sHy, `lovetodeviate, ~moejo, and ~MGBarrera, and the many other talented writers who continue to post actively here.

I leave in 3 days.

---

Now playing: Sigur Ros - Svefn-g-Englar